A Grouch's Guide to Life Vol 1

A Grouch's Guide to Life:

Contemplating Aesop

By Grouchy Carmichael

Aesop's Fable: “The Fox and The Grapes”

A hungry fox saw some fine bunches of grapes hanging from a vine that was trained along a high trellis and did his best to reach them by jumping as high as he could into the air. But it was all in vain, for they were just out of reach. So he gave up trying and walked away with an air of dignity and unconcern, remarking, “I thought those grapes were ripe, but I see now they are quite sour.”

Grouchy Says:

First, Let me get one thing clear: Foxes Don't Eat Grapes. You have to suspend your disbelief when you read this fable. Okay... now on to my thoughts...

As a grouch, I love this story. Not only is it easy to read on the toilet, but it sums up my entire life.

When I lose at checkers, I say, “It's a juvenile game anyway.”

When I don't get invited to the party, I say, “Who wants to hang around with those drunken losers. I'd rather just stay home.”

Every time I see a beautiful woman, I think, “Somewhere, there is a man that is tired of putting up with her shit.”

Some people call this Sour Grapes, or being a sore loser. But let me ask you, Was Al Gore all Sour Grapes when he tried to fix the election but lost anyway? NO! He went on to create one of the greatest works of fiction the film world ever saw! He even scammed them out of an Oscar and the Nobel Piece (of Crap) Prize!

  

Now, if you have read this far, thank you. Those that haven't are idiots and just don't get it.

Aesop's Fable: “The Goose that Laid the Golden Eggs”

A man and his wife had the good fortune to possess a goose which laid a golden egg every day. Lucky though they were, they soon began to think they were not getting rich fast enough, and, imagining the bird must be made of gold inside, they decided to kill it in order to secure the whole store of precious metal at once. But when they cut it open they found it was just like any other goose. Thus, they neither got rich all at once, as they had hoped, nor enjoyed any longer the daily addition to their wealth.

Grouchy Says:

If I could go back in time and speak with this man and his wife, I would tell them, “Ha ha! You Friggin' Idiots!"

People are so impatient. They don't think of the future. For decades, the government wanted to increase the debt because they wanted immediate gratification. Now look at our country.

And you wonder why I am a Grouch... 

This reminds me of the idiot that keeps pushing his floor button on the elevator over and over and over although it is already lit. Listen, Friend, I don't want this elevator to go any faster than it's little cables can carry it... and besides, pushing the button won't make it go any faster.

Usually I go ahead and push every floor ahead of his (but after mine) so he has to stop at all of them. But that's cause I'm a jerk...

Aesop's Fable: “The Mischievous Dog” 

There was once a dog that used to snap at people and bite them without any provocation, and who was a great nuisance to everyone that came to his master's house. So his master fastened a bell around his neck to warn people of his presence. The dog was very proud of the bell, and strutted about tinkling it with immense satisfaction. But an old dog came up to him and said, “The fewer airs you give yourself the better, my friend. You don't think, do you, that your bell was given you as a reward of merit? On the contrary, it is a badge of disgrace.”

Grouchy Says:

That old dog is just jealous he doesn't have a bell. That old dog is just mad he never did anything with his life. Sour Grapes. Wow, I came full circle without even planning it. I'm Good!

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8 Tips to Get You Through Those Diet Blues

Dieting is no easy task. It is often frustrating and seems unachievable.  Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet that will help you shed pounds. It takes determination and willpower and time.

To make it a little easier, here are some tricks and tips to help you get through the day as you are on a diet.

1.        Drink a Little Bit of Citrus Juice 10 to 15 minutes before you eat a meal.

Citrus juices, like Orange and Grapefruit, have natural appetite suppressants in them that will help you take the edge off your hunger at dinner time.

But be careful, you can over do it! Personally, too much juice causes me to feel bloated and uncomfortable.  I drink about 6 ounces. Anything more might be defeating the purpose of your diet. 

2.       Put your meal on a bread plate instead of a dinner plate. 

If your mother was anything like mine her voice will ring in your head "Clean your plate, young man, there are starving children in China!”

Consequently, I feel compelled to finish all my dinner no matter if I am hungry or not.  To this day, I still hate to waste food.

BY using a smaller plate you will still feel compelled to clean your plate, but you will consume less food. This is a little mental trick that makes your mind believe your stomach is full.

3.       Avoid the Color Beige

Did you know that beige foods tend to be high in Carbohydrates and Calories, but low in nutrition? 

Bread, Rice, and Pasta may taste great, but they can add up to more calories, and more fat. 

One cup of refried beans can be 500 CALORIES! And it has very little nutritional value. Not to mention, you will be hungry again in no time.  You could eat almost 10 servings of fruits and vegetables, and still not reach 500 calories.  So avoid beige, add color to your plate and you will lose weight.

4.       Eat Slower.

A lot of times, we eat faster than our body can register that we are full.  By eating slower, and consequently enjoying the taste of our food, will make you aware of when to stop. 

5.        Eat snacks off of a plate instead of from the bag.

When you sit down to watch the football game or dvd, put a serving of chips in a bowl or plate.  Having the bag in front of you it too tempting and most people keep reaching into that bag out of habit and not because they are hungry.

6.       Carry cash.

According to researchers at Cornell University, people that pay cash for their snacks and meals tend to eat healthier. The reason is simple.  It is easy to overspend on a credit card. So once you order that healthy meal you set out to order, it is too tempting to go ahead and order that side of onion rings or slice of cheesecake. 

But when you carry cash, you are more conscious of what you are spending and can be more conservative, on your diet and on your wallet.

7.        Stay Busy.

You’ve done it before. You get to working on a project and next thing you know, 3 hours have passed!  Instead of messing around at work playing solitaire or chatting on Facebook, trying being productive for a change. Not only will your boss love you for it, you are less likely to snack out of boredom!  Remember, dieting is about lifestyle changes. Being productive is a positive change.

8.       Consider Meal Replacement Shakes

You hear the commercials all the time, “I drink one shake for breakfast and another for lunch and I took off the weight” – A lot of people think they will still be hungry and end up snacking.  I can personally vouch for this one because I have done it.

I normally skipped breakfast, so then by midmorning, I would end up eating a honeybun or bagel (completely unhealthy). Then I would waste money going out to lunch with coworkers.  Even though the shakes might seem expensive up front, if you do the math, they end up saving you money because you are not constantly buying snacks or lunch while at work. 

The shakes give you the necessary nutrients, taste good and fill you up. Plus, if you combine this with Tip #7 “Stay Busy”, you will never even realize you did not eat a traditional meal.  Then in the evening, eat a sensible dinner. 

My favorite is made by Visalus.  It contains an appetite suppressant in it, which helps get me through that late afternoon craving. It also tastes really good. I have tried other brands but could not stick to it because I had to hold my nose while drinking it.  And it came out to be $1.07 per meal! That is less than I could normally eat breakfast or lunch for! 

Dieting is not fun, but remember this: Nothing Tastes As Good As Fit Feels!

View the Full Article with Photos on Tallahassee Grapevine HERE: http://www.tallahasseegrapevine.com/blog/view/id_766/title_8-tips-to-get-you-through-the-diet-blues/

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Tallahassee Grapevine Introduces Free, Spamless,Local, VIDEO Classifieds to the Capital City!

TallahasseeGrapevine.com thinks they are onto something here: Not only are their classifieds FREE and LOCAL but you can Stream Video To Yours! 

Imagine if you want to sell your motorcyle... now imagine being able to post a free classified ad on a high traffic site with a video of the motorcycle revving up and driving off! 

Imagine looking at ads for Free Puppies and being able to see a video of the puppy making eyes at you! 

Most people can take videos on their cell phone or own a Flip Video Camera.  But then what? 

Take a short video of the item you want to sell with your cellphone or video camera. Upload it to your computer.  

Now you may or may not have your own YouTube account. They are Free and Simple to Start and Simple to Use. Go to www.YouTube.com and start one. This is the simplest and fastest site to upload video to. 

Now come to TallahasseeGrapevine.com and sign in with your email address and password.  Hover your cursor on the CLASSIFIEDS Tab and Click on "Create a Listing" 

Fill in the blanks. Choose the correct category. Below this area you will see a little designer.  At the top are 4 rows of buttons. For the most part, this works like Word or other word processing programs. You can change the font, the color of the words, center, bold, etc etc. 

You can also add a photo by clicking on the Green Button on the top row. You can then Resize that photo by clicking on the photo first (to hightlight it) then clicking on the other green button in the top row. 

To add video: Go to your video on the YouTube page. Highlight the URL Address at the top of the page. Right Click on it and click on COPY.

Go back to your Classified ad. Make sure your Cursor is in the spot you want the video to be. In the bottom row, click on the YOUTUBE button. A box will pop up. Put your cursor in the line in this box. Right Click then click on PASTE. Now hit the OK Button. 

A box will appear in the design box that says "Flash" all over it. Once you are done creating your ad, Hit SUBMIT (below the design box) and your ad will be posted on the site immediately.  That "Flash" box will be the video from YouTube. 

Once the item is sold, you can delete the video on YouTube and delete the classified from The Grapevine!

*Now why can we say our Classifieds are Spam-Free? Because our staff checks them several times a day and deletes anything that is considered spam.  If someone is abusing this site, we can even block and ban them. 

Now, if you do happen to find spam or something suspicious in our Classifieds, please email us. More than likely, if you saw it, it was posted before we inspected the newest listings and we would come across it ourselves anyway. 

We are very excited to offer this free service to Tallahassee! I can't wait to see the cool things you offer up for sale in our Free Classifeds! 

Peruse Current Classifieds Or Post Your Own HERE 

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Who Says There Is Nothing To Do in Tallahassee?

Tallahassee Grapevine’s Weekend – April 8-10^th

Who says there is nothing to do in Tallahassee? I have lived in other cities and had extensive stays at other’s still and I say, Tallahassee has the same or better.  We have a mall, we have movie theaters, bowling alleys, pool halls, etc. But we are also close to beaches and rivers and nature trails.

There was a lot going on this past weekend: Tallahassee Film Festival, Po Boys Crawfish Festival, Peace in the Park, The Jazz & Blues Festival, Earth Jam, Worm Gruntin’ Festival, Pops in the Park and a lot of new films, and the Baroque Art exhibit at the Brogan.  You would be hard pressed to convince me “there’s nothing to do.”

TallahasseeGrapevine.com owners are in their 30s and have an 11 month old baby.  So Friday night they stayed in.  I rented a dvd, “I Love You Philip Morris” and my wife opted out of joining me to watch it. Probably a wise decision as the movie was not so bad I turned it off, but I can’t say I would recommend it.  It was a cross between “Brokeback Mountain” and “Fun With Dick & Jane” with a little “Man on the Moon” thrown in for good measure.

Then bedtime because I knew Saturday was going to be a long day.  We got up early to attend the Pioneer Breakfast at the Tallahassee Museum.   It was great.  All you can eat sausage (mild or spicy), scrambled eggs, pancakes, grits, coffee, milk or orange juice…  all served at a historical farmhouse.  Then while waiting for the bands to begin for the Jazz & Blues Festival – we took the baby for a walk around the nature trail and exhibits.  There is a vulture there that comes right up to the cage hoping for a snack. When you keep walking, it follows you. If you speed up, he speeds up. I swear it thinks it is a dog.

The bald eagles were beautiful. The otter was playful and adorable. The alligator was huge, the bear was asleep, the foxes were active, the panther was hiding and all in all, we had a great time.  Inside a building were 2 baby alligators. Now those were pretty darn cool.

There was also an ongoing exhibit about The Blues in Florida which was very interesting. By the time we got back to the stage, the first band was performing and did an excellent job.  We listened as we let the baby play on the playground.

Later on, we decided to go to Peace in the Park in Midtown because we knew people with booths there.  Jim Crozier was playing when we arrived and we made our way around from booth to booth – seeing friends we knew, and meeting new people.  We let our baby play at the water table and sandbox at the Tiny Steps Learning Center booth and he decided he was hot so he poured a bucket of water over his own head without even flinching.

Next, we decided to go to the Animal Shelter and visit the dogs and cats up for adoption.  The Animal Shelter pets are a regular feature on TallahasseeGrapevine.com and something near and dear to our heart as we own 2 rescued dogs.

Our 11 month old loved the cats. It’s a shame he can’t have one because our 11 year old is allergic and there were some sweet cats there that needed a home.  Of course, we love meeting the dogs. My favorite site is seeing young couples trying to decide which pet to bring home. They take dogs one by one out to the yard or one of the side rooms and play and visit and try to decide which would fit best with their lifestyle.  I love seeing “I’m Adopted” signs on the cages.  There is always a couple dogs there that I wish I could take home if I did not have 2 big dogs already.

Now this was a great fun day with beautiful weather.  The only thing that would make it better is a good dinner.  So we went to the grocery store and got the ingredients for Chicken Pirlau – chicken breast, bacon, crushed tomato, green bell pepper, onion, brown rice and broth.  It came out delicious and there is enough there for days worth of leftovers.

There was so much going on that we could not even find time to do it all.  Tune in again to learn about our favorite places to bring the kids over summer break.

Till then, if you are looking for events in Tallahassee, visit our event calendar athttp://www.tallahasseegrapevine.com/event/calendar/

Come Join in the Conversation at Tallahassee Grapevine athttp://www.tallahasseegrapevine.com/

The ONLY Site that has Free Classifieds that you can Stream Video To! Imagine being able to show video of the motorcycle you are selling or the puppy that needs a good home!  Find it here: http://www.tallahasseegrapevine.com/listing/viewall/

Tallahassee Grapevine Helps Small Businesses Become Local Experts

Are You an Industry Expert

or Just Another Worker Bee?

• The Expert is the “Go To” Person.
• The Expert does not compete on price.
• The Expert does not have to cold call.

Q:  Why is the farmer considered the local expert?
A:  Because he was always out standing in his field.
Marketing is changing. Persuasion is swaying from One-Way, White Noise, Interruption Advertisements and heading to Content, Conversation and Word of Mouth.   It is becoming more Grassroots.
First, ask yourself, “Am I an expert?”  If you answered ‘Yes’ then keep reading.  Now ask yourself, “Does my community view me as the local expert?”  Some may. Your current customers probably do. But what about your potential customers? If they perceived you as the local authority, wouldn’t they be your current customers?
Becoming the expert does not happen overnight and it takes some effort and discipline.  Basically doing what you already do with your current customers: Educating them.  The rewards are immense: more clients with less cold calling, less spent in advertising because of your target approach, and people are willing to pay a little extra for expertise and are less apt to argue over price.
Are you in a position where clients seek you out? Do you want to be?
Consumers are not falling for slogans and hype. Their purse strings are tight. They want information, education, and entertainment: They Want To Trust You.
You have a unique ground floor opportunity to become the local expert, maybe even a local celebrity.  The sooner you begin, the sooner you start positioning instead of prospecting.
TallahasseeGrapevine.com is a local online magazine.  After only 8 months, it currently attracts over 40,000 views a month because of its unique free press, do it yourself concept.  Tallahassee citizens can use our page designer to create their own page to promote an event on the calendar, write an article on their hobby, organization or cause, and create a club or support group. They can use text, photos, graphics and even video on their pages. They can even use video in their Free Classified Ads.  It is truly the wave of the future.
Currently, Tallahassee Grapevine users are made up of 92% Leon County and 7% Surrounding areas. It attracts 65% females. 55% of the readers are age 25 to 44 and 18% from 45 to 54 - The perfect demographic for your business.  Our Weekly eNewsletter  “Tallahassee In a Nutshell” goes out to over 4000 local subscribers (so far) every Thursday.  The site is headed toward 100,000 local views a month and with your expertise, participation, and sponsorship, we will reach that this year.
Sponsoring TallahasseeGrapevine.com is not just an investment in your community; it is an investment in your business.  If the Grapevine succeeds, it can help you succeed.
Tallahassee Grapevine is the only local magazine that wants you to be a local expert by: Writing informative articles on a regular basis, getting involved with local groups, hosting events and seminars, posting educational video blogs – We have the local traffic and they are yearning for more information about what matters to them: Their family, their pets, their homes, their hometown.
We are here to help you participate.  We liken a sponsorship to a gym membership: We are here to spot you and coach you and show you the proper techniques – but if you don’t show up, we can’t help you!
With Sponsorship you can:

• Write articles or create videos to educate or entertain the local audience.
• Become a featured expert on the front page of the site and in the Newsletter
• Be featured in our Business Spotlight Section
• Be the expert “go to” person in articles written by Grapevine
• Receive Topic Brainstorming, editing/proofreading of articles, design and scheduling
• Receive Coaching & Technical Support
• Give Answers and Advice when a user posts a question in the Forums
• Create a Business Directory Page w/ Map and Clients can leave Testimonials
• Get involved with local groups
• Participate in Grapevine events, promotions and contests

All This For Only $399 a Year!
Imagine that? Only $1.09 a day and an hour or two each month to establish yourself as a local expert!
Is that worth it to you?
Need More? Banner Ads, Ghostwriting and Video Blog Packages are Available!
Q: What do you need to do to get started?
A: Call Tony Miller at 850.445.6592. Request a no obligation consultation at a time convenient for you.

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The Best Site to Promote Tallahassee Events and Concerts!

The Tallahassee Grapevine is the Best Site to Promote Your Tallahassee Event or Concert.  And also the best place to find more information on what to do in your hometown! 

We blow away our competition which only give you a little blurb with your email and phone number (if you're lucky) and you have to write to them and hope they post your submission. 

With Tallahassee Grapevine, you do it yourself and can be as simple or elaborate as you like. You get your own page to customize. It automatically displays a Google map once you enter in the event's address and zip code. You can even Stream Video from YouTube! (So you can See & Hear the band BEFORE you decide to See & Hear the Band!) 

In the description box, you can just type the info in, or get fancy and change the fonts, hyperlink, or even add images or video! 

Once you hit submit, it is automatically on the Tallahassee Event Calendar! Both Calendar View and List View! And people can leave comments on the page! 

It's Free & Simple: 

If you have a public event coming up, all you have to do is create a free account on the site. This allows you to post anywhere on the site except for business directory listings. 

Put your cursor over the EVENT Tab at the top of every page. Some more choices will drop down, click on CREATE NEW EVENT. 

Just Fill in the Blanks and You are On The Site!  You can also come back and edit as things change or new information comes available! 

Thousands of people come to Tallahassee Grapevine every month to find Events in Tallahassee, Concerts, Sports, Classes, Networking Events and More! 

Check out the Tallahassee Event Calendar HERE 

Keep in Mind, as the Date Passes, the events are deleted. So if you visit late in the month, the calendar might look empty. 

Thanks For Posting and Have A Blast In and Around Your Tallahassee Hometown! 

Event Calendar: http://www.tallahasseegrapevine.com/event/calendar/

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TallahasseeGrapevine.com Reports on Jazz & Blues Festival

Tallahassee Museum Presents The 20th Anniversary of the Jazz & Blues Festival

April 9-10, 2011

by Pedro Sempertegui

	Tallahassee is steeped in history, tradition and nature. These three unique aspects come together at the Tallahassee Museum. Between the regular exhibits of historical buildings, nature trails and animals, the Museum is known for some of the best cultural events in the Big Bend. Two of the most popular have always been the Pioneer Breakfast and the Jazz & Blues Festival. On the weekend of April 9th, 2011, the Tallahassee  Museum will be continuing these long lasting traditions. For the past 50 years, the Pioneer Breakfast has been one of Tallahassee's favorite fundraisers.
It's not hard to imagine why. Just think about a nice big plate full of freshly grilled sausages, scrambled eggs, golden fluffy pancakes, and some classic southern grits. Now wash it down with a cup of orange juice or hot coffee. If that wasn't reason enough to make an appearance, these four words might change your mind: ALL YOU CAN EAT. Starting at 7 in the morning, the Museum's Board of Trustees will be serving up this hearty breakfast at the Museum's Big Bend Farm, an 1880's historic farmstead. All of the proceeds go towards the Tallahassee Museum's education and conservation programs. With great food (and plenty of it) and old fashion scenery, this has the makings for a great way to spend a Saturday morning. Soon after the Pioneer Breakfast, the Jazz & Blues Festival kicks off at 11 am. For 20 years this festival has showcased some of Tallahassee's great musical acts. With 2,300 music fans making out to previous shows, this year the festival should be should be even more lively. Musician and producer Del Suggs has been working hard to put this event together every year since the beginning in 1991. When asked about why this festival came together 20 years ago he told Tallahassee Grapevine, "One of the prime reasons for this event was the real dearth of venues to hear jazz and blues. Tallahassee has always had great jazz, like Cannonball Adderly & Nat Adderly, and great blues, like Tallahassee Tight back in the 20s and 30s. But there was no place for families to hear the music. I just love to look out at the audience at the Jazz & Blues Festival and see all the kids there learning to love this music." When asked about the growth of the event through the past 20 years, Del Suggs responded, "It has grown tremendously! It began as a Saturday afternoon event, now it's two full days of great music." Del Suggs is a professional musician with local roots who founded and runs Saltwater Music, a company that reflects the musical character of this region. He was involved in the founding of the Jazz & Blues Festival. During which time, the festival strayed from pure blues or jazz and included other genres of music. About 10 years ago, he returned as music director after a hiatus and brought the soul of the festival back to its roots. "Now I think every act on the schedule is truly a jazz or blues act, and I'm proud of that." The 2011 Jazz & Blues Festival will be hosting a whopping 11 bands! The 2-day event explores the depths of blues and jazz by featuring live performances of traditional and contemporary jazz and blues bands, and other extensions of the genre such as Dixieland jazz, swing, fusion, and contemporary blues. This great mix of big bands and tight ensembles include The Swingin' Harpoon Blues Band, Bogazedi, Tallahassee Swing Band, Thursday Night Music Club, ACME Rhythm & Blues Band and Royal Garden Dixieland Band. One of the bands is The Zach Bartholomew Trio, a professional jazz band based out of Tallahassee. Grapevine had the chance to speak with Zach Bartholomew about his reasons for participating in the festival for the first time.

The Zach Bartholomew Trio

"I feel it is important to get my band to participate in the Jazz & Blues Festival, in particular, because it is the only festival in Tallahassee which promotes jazz music. Being a professional jazz musician and being part of a professional jazz trio, I feel an obligation and a strong desire to take part in this festival...to become as involved with the jazz community as I can. This is a great event to do just that."

We had a chance to speak with Marguerite Martin, the Public Relations & Marketing Manager for the Tallahassee Museum. She is very excited about seeing the Zach Bartholomew Trio perform. (They take the stage on Saturday at 3pm, followed by the Tallahassee Swing Band.) "During the Jazz & Blues Festival there will be a lot going on," Marguerite told The Grapevine. "All the current attractions at the museum will be open, so the kids and parents can still enjoy the animal and nature exhibits." Along with that, on the 2nd day of the event (Sunday, April 10th), The Southeastern Community Blood Center will be holding a blood drive from noon until 4pm. Noting people's uneasiness about giving blood, Marguerite said, "All those who donate will recieve a free Jazz & Blues t-shirt. Each donation saves up to three lives." With the hearty Pioneer Breakfast, an exciting live jazz and blues line up, and beautiful scenery, the weekend of the 20th Annual Jazz & Blues Festival should be a grand ol' time. PRICING: The Jazz & Blues Festival is Free for Museum Members and Season Pass Holders. For nonmembers it is $9 for adults and $6 for children. The All You Can Eat Pioneer Breakfast is $7 for adults and $5 for children. There is also a combo ticket for Saturday that will include the Pioneer Breakfast and the opening day of the festival that runs $12 for adults and $10 for children. Tallahassee Events Calendar: http://www.tallahasseegrapevine.com/event/calendar/ http://www.tallahasseegrapevine.com/